Laminar Flow

 One thing I find really annoying

Is the talk about "self respect" in the context of love. 

"Value yourself! Stop wasting your precious years waiting! Walk away from him! Have self respect!" 

I call bull&hit! I find this point of view very confusing... 

These people are missing the point. 

I respect myself enough to know what I want. 

Point blank period. 

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. 

How about that? 

Why isn't there a party? Where are the drinks? 

Show me 5 people you know, who know exactly what they want and have the courage to actually live accordingly. . 

I'll wait. 

... 

Well, for me it wasn't easy! But I finally did it! 

What is all that bollocks about self respect? 😂

It's odd to me. 

Some people just move as the wind blows their whole lives. 

They call their inability to stand still a survival skill , or a lifestyle choice 

Well, I tried to do that for many years, as I thought that if everyone is doing it, they must be right. 

Turns out - in my case - they weren't! 

 it's not my style, I guess. 

The only thing that "moving on" approach helped me realize was that my love does not depend on exterior factors. 

It just never went away. 

It wouldn't die. (And I did try to kill it.) 

Turns out, all those years of me trying to "move on" were the years I've spent disrespecting myself! 

What a plot twist! 

Isn't that crazy? How one person's medicine is another man's poison? 

Yeap! 

Insane! 

Masking my true desire 

Stuffing my dreams with hard cold facts from the land of all fears

"What I dream of must not exist for me." 

It may come as a surprise to some people but some of us 

Love who we love 

And that's that. 

It cannot be changed. 

Groundbreaking, I know. 

I don't substitute. 

If I ever told you I loved you, I actually did! I gave you a real life chance! 

If I have, then you are one of only a few men. 

That's just how it is! 

I am the real experience.  

I don't keep moving on to the next one. 

I will die and I will have probably only allowed a select few to touch me. 

And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

It was a choice! My choice! 

I am not and will never be accessible to everyone. 

I am specific with my passion because to me it is sacred. 

If that is not self respect

Especially coming from a still quite young woman, in her prime,  

The knowing that love is sacred 

Then, I am sorry, but I don't know what is. 

These people would be unable to walk a week in my shoes. 

A single week!!!

It is their anxiety that makes them call my chosen path lack of self respect, not mine. 

They are afraid of my path. 

But it is mine to walk. 

Not theirs. 

My only anxiety has a first, middle and last name. 

And it's not lack of anything.

To people like me, every single relationship I form is meaningful and one of a kind. It's a precious jewel. 

I cannot pretend nor will I spend my life pretending. 

Not only I respect myself, my feelings, the person I have these feelings for 

But I also respect my journey 

The more I mature 

The more selective I become 

I say who

I choose who has access. 

Every step of the way. 

Not society, not other people's expectations, not anyone else but my own heart. 

The world is a sh*tshow

But my heart will be kept pure by choice 

And I try to trust that nothing is in vain 

It is not an easy path, no

I am not gonna lie

I am scared and unsure of what tomorrow will bring 

But I am also courageous enough to stop playing small. 

I did not come here to play small. 

I've been doing that for years. 

I came here to live through my heart. 

And I will never betray it. 

Nomatter what that may mean in every given moment. 

I am not a prisoner of my need. 

I am free to love whomever I choose, whenever I choose

And I will never submit to any man that my heart doesn't melt for nor can I pretend my heart melts for 10 random dudes at the same time. 

I did not come here to perform. 

I don't care for ego boosts. I already know what I need to know about myself and others. 

I won't judge others for "performing", either, I understand 

But that, clearly is not my path. 

I cannot exist in anything less than the Truth. 

Stop judging the things you don't understand. 

Or even better, stop judging, altogether! 

It's so refreshing to trust that you don't have to dictate nor approve how other people feel about things. 

It's ok if we are different. 

It's ok if we have different standards. 

To me he was The One. 

Period. 

And I will love him, because I want to,for as long as I do. 

Simple, isn't it? 

Because I just want to love in truth. 

I want my life, my pain, my longing, my tears, my joy... 

I want it all to be true... 

I want it to be specific... Because it is in that very specificness, the vastness I yearn for can flourish 

I want it to be special... 

All of it... My whole life... 

Our main difference is... 

That I really did love him... 

He has awakened me from the inside... 

And now 

This is my One True Life. 

So... Come what may... 

Noone can promise us forever... 

But when it's true... 

It sure does feel like it♥️