Letters to AP

 Met with my friends

I had such a wonderful time 

I stepped out of the restaurant to wait for my taxi

There was a couple playfully walking hand in hand on the opposite side of the street 

She was happy, she was illuminated by warmth 

He stopped her under the street light and kissed her 

I was like : "Oh come on, Universe! You gotta be kidding me..." It was so beautiful... I felt so happy for them. 

He was in his mid 50's 

I immediately thought of you

A sharp pain climbing from my womb to my heart 

Tears formed in my eyes 

A lump in my throat 

I know that this is a horrible thing to say 

I hope you can forgive me 

But I have to be honest 

I do want you to be happy 

But if I ever saw you kissing someone like that 

I would probably die. 

No. You don't understand. 

To be fair 

I would scream first as if I were being ripped apart and set to fire - while still alive and  probably die right after, an agonizing death. 

On that note 

I would also die if you kissed me like that 

But that would be a different kind of death altogether..

More like a rebirth 

Everything would be possible 

I would feel warm inside just like that woman 

But the woman in me is the very thing you tend to avoid

I am now in the taxi going back home 

And all I can think of is 

How I wish I could hide within your arms right now 

To be reborn 

And oh my God how much I'd love to kiss you... 

I guess not. 

I have become the kind of person you detest 

I am too soft for you 

That's what I think

That is why you won't hold me 

In our case there is only one argument I will probably ever win in 

And that’s probably the "I love you more." one... 

I'm too late 

I guess you've made your mind up about everything in life a long time ago 

I'm just here cut open

Trying to process it all 

I am still in denial about never falling asleep in your arms 

Waking up by your kisses 

I'd even be happy if you snored... 

I'd feel safe drifting asleep knowing that you are there 

You can never love me 

You hate the very thing I am when in love 

I become like a little girl 

Soft and Vulnerable 

I feel like I become see-through and innocent 

I hate myself for it 

It took you away from me 

Omg you hate that, I know you do 

I never was your type, was I? 

And yet 

Stranger... 

Could you please hold me tonight... 

Could you just appear out of nowhere and take me home... 

Lie next to me 

Hold me on you 

Until I lose consciousness 

I want to forget the world with you... 

I wanted to be reborn in your arms 

It feels like a sacrifice of a beautiful life 

Not to be able to touch you 

Look into your eyes 

I know that you cannot relate to that 

I guess you are always 

Too many steps ahead...