Sometimes I get this urge to dissappear...
To exist away from the world
The very bridges I built to reach him
Suffocate me under his silence
I feel
Unwanted
Unseen
Unheard
It's been so long
He's just vanished in thin air, again
It's his tactic mixed with indifference
It's the worst outcome
I just want to disappear
It was all pointless
Everything
All of it
I am distraught
I am anxious about everything
About how he is doing
About life
He was an atomic bomb that exploded in my world
Only to discover I am still alive but everything is ruined and the water is poisoned
I need to let him go from within myself
Rip him out with my hands
That's what he wants
He is nowhere
I wish I was nowhere as well
Nowhere
I wish I could feel nothing for him
Because feeling anything for him is pointless
The more I feel
The further he gets
I just want to leave
I want to go some place else
Far away from him
Give back to him what he is giving me
Once and for all
I wish I could just vanish for good
To never allow him to witness me ever again
Travel somewhere new
Only to feel like a person again
Like a natural woman
Far away from him and his deafening silence
He never loved me
I was nothing to him.
He doesn't think about me as he falls asleep
His heart does not suffer to know I have been falling asleep yearning for him to finally exist in my world
As a man
They say that men go get what they want
And I know it to be true
He never
Not once
Came to get me
Never
I remember the first time I run away from him
I was hoping he would come and get me so hard
I just longed for him to get out of his comfort freaking zone
To show me he wanted me
I used to point to the sea and say to my peers out loud:
"Do you see that little boat over there ? It's A. P. and he's coming to get me..." talking specifically about him...
But he never did
He just let me fade away so much
That I actually want to disappear now
That's why he thinks I am crazy to love him still...
He never understood me
My heart
Unfortunately I made such an unforgivable mistake...
I put myself in a complex situation
I should have known better
I should have seen him for who he was
I don't want to let him go but I have been the only one holding on for so long...
I don't feel like a human being anymore
I guess he's never coming back
And I just want to disappear now
So many years of my life didn't matter at all
I feel
-I can't even put in words how I feel -
I feel betrayed
I came in this world with dreams as well
I don't understand why he would pretend to be a person he is not
Why did he have to treat my heart so harshly
He was so unkind
He never tried to understand me...
He never talked to me openly like a man to sort his affairs out properly
He always hides...
I didn't deserve that...
I wish I wouldn't have believed him back then
His words changed the course of my whole life
My life could have been so different if I had never met him
I love him but he wants nothing to do with me
It's all dreadfully pointless and incredibly painful
I have been carrying this alone for so long
The worst part was when he tried to gaslight me
As if none of it was real
Well, it was real for some of us
How about that?
It was real and true and passionate and very possible
And I just want to disappear now
He left me fighting alone
He even fought against me
Against my sanity
Against my character
All I did was love him...
I have to
Start over
But I can't
Because I still love the idiot.
Why, one might ask...
Well that's something I will protect from the world.
It is mine to know.
It requires no validation.
I loved him with all my heart
And now I just want to run away until my feet can't run anymore
Run and scream at the sky
For letting me fall in love with a man who couldn't care less about me
It's 3am
Haven't slept like a human being in ages
Writing these lines to express my feelings in order to help my heart stop racing
It's my fault
I was the one to believe in him...
I am the one to blame for all those sleepless nights...
I just want to disappear into a dream
I deserved a better story...
I just came to him innocently
I guess that was a dumb move in today's society
Who does that? What was I even thinking...
I wasn't thinking... I was in love...
I though he would protect my heart
But he stepped on it, instead.
He once was so good to me... These were his words...
I guess nothing he told me was true...
I wish I could forget!
I wish I could feel nothing at all.....
I wish I could fall asleep tonight and every night from now on without agonizing over him, my life that was left in ruins, my shock and disbelief
My grief...
All these years met with silence...
I wish I could just forgive and forget....
I wish I was indifferent just like he is
He never wanted my love, anyway.
I fought alone for so long and I am only left with scars now
My absolute killer devotion has been mocked to the ground
My heart feels out of place
It just wants to completely disappear...
Why... Why did he have to take it so far?
I only wanted to create beauty with him... I wanted to experience everything beautiful with him... Why...
Why hurt me so much...
Why...
I did try but I am afraid that I will never be able to understand...
In my eyes that was straight up evil for no reason at all....
I'm just sitting here in limbo
Indefinitely...