Liquid Words - The Gallium Project

 Sometimes I get this urge to dissappear...

To exist away from the world 

The very bridges I built to reach him

Suffocate me under his silence 

I feel 

Unwanted 

Unseen 

Unheard 

It's been so long 

He's just vanished in thin air, again

It's his tactic mixed with indifference 

It's the worst outcome 

I just want to disappear 

It was all pointless 

Everything 

All of it 

I am distraught 

I am anxious about everything 

About how he is doing

About life

He was an atomic bomb that exploded in my world 

Only to discover I am still alive but everything is ruined and the water is poisoned 

I need to let him go from within myself 

Rip him out with my hands 

That's what he wants 

He is nowhere 

I wish I was nowhere as well 

Nowhere 

I wish I could feel nothing for him

Because feeling anything for him is pointless 

The more I feel

The further he gets 

I just want to leave 

I want to go some place else 

Far away from him 

Give back to him what he is giving me 

Once and for all 

I wish I could just vanish for good 

To never allow him to witness me ever again 

Travel somewhere new 

Only to feel like a person again 

Like a natural woman 

Far away from him and his deafening silence 

He never loved me 

I was nothing to him. 

He doesn't think about me as he falls asleep 

His heart does not suffer to know I have been falling asleep yearning for him to finally exist in my world 

As a man 

They say that men go get what they want 

And I know it to be true 

He never 

Not once 

Came to get me 

Never 

I remember the first time I run away from him

I was hoping he would come and get me so hard

I just longed for him to get out of his comfort freaking zone

To show me he wanted me 

I used to point to the sea and say to my peers out loud:

"Do you see that little boat over there ? It's A. P.  and he's coming to get me..." talking specifically about him...

But he never did 

He just let me fade away so much 

That I actually want to disappear now

That's why he thinks I am crazy to love him still... 

He never understood me 

My heart 

Unfortunately I made such an unforgivable mistake... 

I put myself in a complex situation 

I should have known better 

I should have seen him for who he was 

I don't want to let him go but I have been the only one holding on for so long... 

I don't feel like a human being anymore 

I guess he's never coming back 

And I just want to disappear now 

So many years of my life didn't matter at all 

I feel

-I can't even put in words how I feel - 

I feel betrayed 

I came in this world with dreams as well 

I don't understand why he would pretend to be a person he is not 

Why did he have to treat my heart so harshly 

He was so unkind 

He never tried to understand me... 

He never talked to me openly like a man to sort his affairs out properly 

He always hides... 

I didn't deserve that... 

I wish I wouldn't have believed him back then

His words changed the course of my whole life 

My life could have been so different if I had never met him

I love him but he wants nothing to do with me 

It's all dreadfully pointless and incredibly painful 

I have been carrying this alone for so long 

The worst part was when he tried to gaslight me 

As if none of it was real

Well, it was real for some of us

How about that? 

It was real and true and passionate and very possible 

And I just want to disappear now 

He left me fighting alone 

He even fought against me 

Against my sanity 

Against my character 

All I did was love him... 

I have to 

Start over 

But I can't 

Because I still love the idiot. 

Why, one might ask... 

Well that's something I will protect from the world. 

It is mine to know. 

It requires no validation. 

I loved him with all my heart 

And now I just want to run away until my feet can't run anymore 

Run and scream at the sky 

For letting me fall in love with a man who couldn't care less about me 

It's 3am

Haven't slept like a human being in ages 

Writing these lines to express my feelings in order to help my heart stop racing 

It's my fault 

I was the one to believe in him... 

I am the one to blame for all those sleepless nights... 

I just want to disappear into a dream 

I deserved a better story... 

I just came to him innocently 

I guess that was a dumb move in today's society

Who does that? What was I even thinking... 

I wasn't thinking... I was in love... 

I though he would protect my heart 

But he stepped on it, instead. 

He once was so good to me... These were his words... 

I guess nothing he told me was true... 

I wish I could forget! 

I wish I could feel nothing at all..... 

I wish I could fall asleep tonight and every night from now on without agonizing over him, my life that was left in ruins, my shock and disbelief 

My grief... 

All these years met with silence... 

I wish I could just forgive and forget.... 

I wish I was indifferent just like he is 

He never wanted my love, anyway. 

I fought alone for so long and I am only left with scars now 

My absolute killer devotion has been mocked to the ground 

My heart feels out of place 

It just wants to completely disappear... 

Why... Why did he have to take it so far? 

I only wanted to create beauty with him... I wanted to experience everything beautiful with him... Why... 

Why hurt me so much... 

Why... 

I did try but I am afraid that I will never be able to understand... 

In my eyes that was straight up evil for no reason at all....

I'm just sitting here in limbo 

Indefinitely...