Letters to AP

 It shouldn't have to be as complicated...

It should be simple 

But it never was 

Any of it... 

Or... Maybe it is. 

Painfully simple... 

You feel nothing. 

Tada. 

And even if you did... 

You can only crash a daisy with the soles of your shoes so many times until you decide to pick it up... 

Until your hands begin to feel like threats or weapons of distraction 

Sometimes 

There is a kind of damage done 

A connection can never return from 

I had retained the innocence in my heart for you

I came to you trembling, always

Every single time 

You frowned upon it all

Dissected me

Pointed out my flaws

Condemned me into the ruthlessness of your deadly silence 

Again and again and again 

With the kind of cold indifference and attitude that kill

You were right

People are not the same

We all are different 

I would have never done this to you 

Even the things I did do were not the same. 

I never stopped loving you. 

What an idiot I am. 

What a complete idiot to believe that I found you... 

I found nothing... 

You were just bored... 

You were just doing what men do. 

You killed love for me. 

You killed all of it. 

I believed so much in you

In your character 

In your heart 

I was just an idiot. 

A man is a man and he can never be anything else. 

That's as far as a man can go. 

It's not even personal 

You're just a man 

And I am just a woman

Different animals 

I love you 

But 

You will never be able to feel it 

As it is

You will never be able to understand the devotion

The pain

The agony 

The purity 

You can only hurt me , that is your only true potential 

You will just keep stepping on all of my daisies 

Full force until they are all dead

I know how strategic you are with me

I can feel it to my core

There is nothing that just happens randomly 

You want me to hear what you never could tell me face to face 

I hear it

Loud and clear 

It feels as if you are screaming in my ears 

All I wanted from you was to treat me like a human 

But a man is a man, you see

And somehow, in this life, men are aloud to do that kind of thing

To be as they wish, at any given moment 

They walk through life doing whatever they please 

Not caring about anything that is irrelevant to their immediate concern 

Completely disregarding what that may mean for anyone else but them

We are here because I never, not in a million years did I expect this kind of thing

FROM YOU

I was shocked to my core 

I thought you were him

I let my guard down and boom! 

That was the beginning of the end. 

But I guess you are just a man 

Just like any other man

And then I think to myself 

You know what.... 

I'm the idiot. 

Because although I already knew that what I dream of does not exist 

I was bamboozled into feeling as if it did... 

Well, it doesn't 

I had to grieve that all over again 

I do understand. 

Living alone is my middle name and where I feel like home the most 

I will never surrender 

I do not trust men,anymore. 

The realization that nothing exists still kills me sometimes all over again

Like tonight 

See I was born a hopeless romantic. 

And yet... 

There will never be words that I can trust again 

You stepped on those daisies so hard 

For so long 

Just like a man would 

Any man at all

I guess you regret nothing 

You are probably proud of yourself for how you handled this 

How you treated those daisies that grew for you as if you were eradicating weeds 

I had many regrets but loving you was not one of them

That is yours to keep 

But you are right! How unbelievably stupid of me to believe in a fairytale. 

It was my fault. 

I broke my own heart by finding something special in you 

Something worth loving

What an idiot 

I hope I learn someday that this is where everything beautiful comes to die 

Hey! Some people make coasters out of books somebody bought for them... 

Others receive the moon and ask why not the stars 

When nothing means nothing at all 

And all the flowers have been stepped on

Repeatedly 

Well... 

I guess everything becomes kind of pointless, doesn't it 

Even True Romantic Love. 

You get boots that smell like flowers 

I get to be forgotten 

Wish I could have gifted you more 

Forgive me for never being able to be who you wanted me to be. 

I guess me being Noone is second best... 

I really gave it my all, but it was a black hole 

Me loving you 

Nothing was ever going to be enough 

It was never enough,because I never was strategic about it... 

I simply loved you