Literal Poetry

 Sometimes I am not in the mindset to be with other people

The older I get, the less I want to try unless I am already fully charged and ready for the extrovert experience. 

Who am I if I am not me at all times? 

I have accepted that sometimes I can mix brilliantly while other times, when I "have to" attend a function let's say,before I am fully charged, I can be extremely socially awkward. It varies. 

Reason being is that I am not always ready to be seen by the world. 

I express in vulnerability and complete honesty

I live in deep waters, I dive so deep 

I pass through stages

I am working on my self, my life 

I am healing

I take my time

I experience everything deeply 

I experience life in ebbs and flows 

And if I go out to mix with people before I am all the way at the surface, a part of me will still be missing 

On those occasions I feel kind of unsafe, like a wobbly table, or an arrow that can only miss the mark repeatedly. 

I am vulnerable, pure, open and unprepared in a heavily sheltered and bulletproof world that requires a certain amount of ease and speed in that extroverted scope of existence. 

I bathe myself in the stillness of my heart 

And sometimes in social events 

It does feel as if I am forcefully dragging myself up to my surface just to be present, polite and safe and relevant at the same time. Because I do care! It's like I am trying to multi-task while only having half a brain, and half a body. I'm just not fully there yet! I haven't fully arrived...

I usually need more time... 

What a recipe for disaster in communication. 

And for a person like me, that used to know I can heavily depend on my previously naturally overflowing social abilities,my timing, my punchlines... this change can feel a little unsettling sometimes.

What force have I imposed on my best ally in life, my own self for so many years to reach a standard that does not nourish me...what for? 

It's weird. 

When I was younger I used to abide easier, quicker. I knew how to suppress myself. It was a switch that I am just not willing to press anymore. 

Talking about survival coping skills... I was the best at it! 

I am so glad I don't care about it anymore! I'm so glad I can just finally be as I feel! 

I am so greatful to be surrounded, understood and loved by the people I have chosen to be in my life! ❤️

As I grow, I tend to aknowledge and honour my own rhythm first as a commitment of self-care and a profound vow of self love. 

It takes courage to show up as the true you all the time because society wasn't built to accept it. 

It takes courage to show up feeling shaken,wobbly, feeling unsure, feeling half there. 

It takes courage to not attempt to conceal it to hide from the judgment of others who seemingly walk this earth always prepared for everything 

I am not ashamed to confess 

I am painfully unprepared for it all, I always have been. 

I am finding my way around by closing my eyes 

I seek myself inside, constantly 

I never want to lose this sacred connection again 

It has been a whole lifetime of me violating it repeatedly by being on other people's timing, terms and conditions willingly... 

And then I discovered that in that kind of sacrifice, I am sacrificing myself...

For no apparent reason. 

I am changing 

And I accept my awkwardness wholeheartedly 

I am embracing it. 

Yes, I can be awkward, and that is OK with me. 

I am a process. I am the moon. 

It just means I am working on something else at the same time. 

Internally. 

And I cherish those who can accept me in my process and find me there and respect me and choose me in all my phases

That world that only meets me whenever I come up for air is essential periodically but not the deciding factor of my wholesome experience anymore. 

Who gets to decide? 

I do. 

And, apparently, that is the best kind of "I do" that will ever come out of me.