Laminar Flow

 Sometimes I get socially awkward when I am in the presence of other people. 

Maybe I am consumed by something else... Maybe I am not ready at that moment to mix with crowds 

I have come to the conclusion that I have exhausted myself all my life and do not have the energy to do frequency calibration to match the atmosphere some times.

It is a frequency gap. 

My frequency vs the frequency of the room

Sometimes the gap is manageable 

Other times the gap is big 

When that happens, anything I say or do to try to lessen that gap, can feel slightly off

I monitor myself and know it as it is happening.

When I was younger and less burnt out 

I had the talent to bridge the gap in the speed of light.

I was in charge. 

From the moment of identification to the moment of course correction nobody would notice. 

But now... Since my late 30s... 

Maybe I don't care as much to make the extra effort for a seamless transition... Maybe I don't have it in me... Maybe I don't want to... 

Maybe I just don't mind as much... 

Last time it happened to me in public 

I went straight to the person a few weeks later and said : "Sorry for being a little socialy awkward last time. I felt as if I didn't belong. I recently found out I probably have ADHD. I check so many boxes."

They understood and I didn't feel awkward anymore. The awkwardness melted away. 

I was not performing. I did not need to perform for them. They expected nothing from me. 

It was totally fine! 

I was relieved... 

I was just me. 

As I am. 

Exactly as I am. 

Flawed. Tired. Battered down. Authentic. 

I am tired of performing. I am tired of being witty. 

I am smart enough to go through with it 

But I don't want to need to 

I can and I will 

Only if I feel like it

I have been the one to preserve the atmosphere of everything, my whole life 

Since I was very little 

I just want to be me...

I deserve to be understood, too

It heals my inner child and sets me free every single time it happens... 

Just be yourself ❤️

Nobody's perfect, anyway! 

Don't you worry. Life makes sure of that.