Something Blue

 

Letters to AP

 I guess if I could describe this "connection" somehow...

I would say... 

We are some kind of awkward, messed up "pen-pals"

Would you miss my letters of adoration... 

My poems... 

My songs for you... 

Countless words on paper 

My emotions for you on display for the whole world to see

This acking, courageous woman in absolute love 

Your writing on my skin

If tomorrow I dissappeared in thin air, somehow 

Would you miss me, at all 

Did I add to your life in any way? 

Did my humaness speak to your heart at all... 

My open raw heart to yours

Was it just a burden for you...? 

A problem that required a solution? 

Did I challenge your thinking into a different point of view? 

Did I remind you of something that you may have felt, yourself for someone? 

Was it as passionate? As poetic? As everlasting? As true? 

Have you ever felt like I do... I wonder... 

I would want to ask you so many questions!!!! 

Did I at least ever make you smile with my silly sense of humor? 

Do you still have that book I got for you... 

Did you like it... 

I really hope you did... 

Did my love move you, at all... 

It was all true... 

Did it even matter,in a specific kind of way?

Well... I guess, sadly... I'll never find out... 

It's the first of the month tomorrow... 

Are you planning to kill me...?

What temperature will your message carry? 

Will it arrive from the Arctic? 

Will you finish me off... 

I am afraid of tomorrow

I'm scared this time...

Really, really scared... 

Legitimately scared.... I don't know why 

I can feel it in my body 

I'm such a silly goose

I've given you this kind of power over my heart 

But I shouldn't be afraid 

Truth is 

I have nothing left to lose 

You were never here with me 

Only in my heart 

Where you will be forever, anyway 

It was my choice to love you  

Mine alone 

So I will be here to receive whatever you send my way 

I will read it as soon as I wake up 

Even if I am scared to 

I always want to be in my purest most vulnerable state when I read your words 

Because this is real 

Because your Word is sacred to me even when it hurts me 

Because I will follow your lead, nomatter where you want to lead me... 

I trust you that much in a sense 

Because I chose you for this, whatever this may be 

And I trust myself

I know there is a reason for everything 

Nothing is random in life 

I am craving your words so much, even when I'm scared of them

There is no other man walking on the surface of this planet that can reach that part of me but you 

So, if you plan on making me cry more tomorrow 

I will be here for it, too

That's what pen-pals do, I guess

Nomatter what happens tomorrow 

Please know 

I forgive you... 

I love you too much not to. 

I know I shouldn't... 

But I guess 

It is what it is. 

Unconditional Love 

And conditional Eros 

Both states blended into one

Walking a tight line between them

Since the moment I saw your heart

Peace and Catastrophe 

Wonder and despair 

Nothing in between 

Nothing lukewarm 

I'm so sorry you can't feel it! 

I wish you could.... 

Or... 

Maybe you do

Just not for me... 

Laminar Flow

 I just want to say

I am not the kind of person who will step into a relationship and ruin it

I never have - as you may recall - and I never will

I am the one who always leaves... Remember?

But... At what cost... 

(I would let my own child starve? That was low btw...Yes I still remember. I will never forget. That was very hurtful and not true. Not true at all... 💔) 

I've made so much room for "them" for so long 

It's not even about them anymore 

I realized that I cannot keep giving away to others my most precious people just like that 

I can't do it anymore! It's my f life, too! 

Giving away the man of my heart? Without even a fight??? 

WHAT??? 

NEVER. 

I have no idea if it would ever work out or not and it still doesn't matter! 

It's irrelevant. Everything is destined to end one way or another. 

By choice or by death. 

But what is the story? 

What is our story? 

I was stupid. 

I thought you would not let me leave... 

I wanted you to rush in and get me!!! I thought of you every single second of every day! I have been waiting for you for SO MANY YEARS! 

I will never betray what I feel again . 

NEVER. 

Never. 

I will never sabotage my heart and the truth of it like this, ever again!

I said I loved you 

I have cried it

Bled it 

Sweated it 

And I will keep 

Shouting it from the rooftops till the day that I die 

Because it's important!!! 

It may not be important to anyone else but me 

But I am not letting it be silenced ever again 

Because it's true 

And it only has me to testify for it 

I said I love you!!!

Do you understand? 

Please notice how I will not impose it on you

I want you to know it 

To be savagely certain about it!!!! 

I will not impose it on you because, imposing it on you does not bring me pleasure

I will not run after you, either

I may die by drowning in my own tears 

But if it is meant to be 

You are the one who will have to take those steps towards me or further away from me

I am only standing here, in my truth 

You can come closer or leave 

You can do as you please 

Because that is the only thing that could ever please me... 

I cannot be pleased by lies, by pressured movements

And I can tell the truth by how it feels 

I don't expect anything from anyone 

I want you to be happy!!! 

You may not believe me, but take a second to notice how, even though my presence is strong, I am nowhere to be found. 

It is not accidental. I assure you that there is nothing more I'd rather do than wear my shoes right now and run to you. I would do it right now. 

But I will not. 

I respect you more than that. 

I respect you and your chosen happiness is very important to me. 

It hurts me but it also pleases me. 

But I 'll be damned if I let my curtesy, my fear or anything else stand in the way of me expressing 

How ruthlessly 

Innocently 

Passionately 

Wholy 

Unfathomably 

Hopelessly 

Consistently 

I really do love you 

And how it will be so for as long as I am 

Because I won't be able to survive if I don't 

It is impossible to keep quiet about it 

I've been quiet for too long 

And I blame myself for it 

It almost killed me 

I was trying to protect everyone my whole life 

It's time to protect my truth now

Do with it as you please 

I love you means 

You will probably tear me apart, anyway at some point

I am vulnerable like that only for you 

It's how everything beautiful always works on this freaking planet

So, me letting you know 

How much I love you 

Is placing a pen in your hand 

And asking you 

To write our story 

Or to wear shoes and come here so that we can write it together... 

You will have to be the one to do that 

We are in chapter 17 right now 

Tell me, what was our story... 

Is this where it all ends? 

Because if it's not 

Could you - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD !!! - come here and take me into your arms so that I can finally fall asleep with a peaceful heart for the first time in 17 years? 

I'd love that if you are Him... 

Are you Him...? 

Is it You, after all, Sir...? 

Is it? 

Was I right... 

Make that pen a sword and cut through the bs

You are the one to kill me, anyway 

So do it 

Do it

Tell me anything you like 

I am always here to listen 

I only have one request :

If you propose to speak, always say the truth and be direct about it. 

That's all. 

Ps. The tension I feel for you is electrifying 

Can you feel it through these words... 

You run through me like current 

The hairs on my skin are standing up 

I am sincere in my passion and despair 

I am yours 

I exist now just like you 

You exist

I don't think I can ever survive you... 

Either way you are and will forever be one of the most important people in my whole life...

I love you... 

Laminar Flow

 Καταλαβαίνω...

Όλα είναι συνδεδεμένα... 

Το ξέρω... 

Κάθομαι εδώ μόνη 

Και καταλαβαίνω... 

Καταλαβαίνω πολύ καλά 

Ότι δε σκοπεύει να έρθει να με βρει ούτε απόψε 

Ακούω το μοναδικό τραγούδι που μου αφιέρωσε ποτέ 

Για να τον νιώσω λίγο πιο κοντά μου

Θυμάμαι να το ακούμε μαζί εκείνη τη νύχτα 

Μου είχε φανεί ιδιαίτερο γιατί δεν το είχα ακούσει ποτέ ξανά 

Κι αυτό μου άρεσε... Το έκανε ξεχωριστό 

Το έκανε μόνο δικό του... 

Το έμαθα από εκείνον... 

Ήταν το πιο όμορφο δώρο που μου έκανε 

Σπάνια αντέχω να το ακούσω πια 

Μου είναι πολύ δύσκολο... 

Μα απόψε το έχω ανάγκη... 

Αναρωτιέμαι καμιά φορά γιατί να διάλεξε αυτό το τραγούδι... 

Λες και αποφάσισε απ'την αρχή... 

Αποφάσισε... 

Γιατί......... 

Γιατί... 

Δεν είχαμε ποτέ μια πραγματική ευκαιρία 

Κι έπειτα 

Με ξέχασες... 

"We are islands, never too far

We are islands... 

And I need your light tonight 

And I need your light tonight..."

Σε ήθελα κοντά μου...κοντά μου... 

Ήλιο της ζωής μου... 

Μα δυστυχώς σε έχασα 

και κέρδισε η κοσμική αγάπη... 

Laminar Flow

 Today I can feel his energy around me

As if he is present this very minute 

Inside this room

I can feel him

I can feel his fingers playing a wet melody on my tender and raw heartstrings 

I don't mind

I offer them to him, willingly 

My spine is now a river 

It is his will over mine 

My flesh is a cloud

I cannot contain what I am

I am Woman and Mud

I am Flesh and God

In his wet melody, I bleed

His fingers are striking my strings 

I weep 

I crash on him like a wave of sorrow looking for the sun 

I become a force of life

I find it in his eyes 

He holds me until I stop shaking 

He swallows my river

He waits 

He waits, patiently for me to catch up 

For me to emerge from the seeds of my pain 

He's gone now 

I weep and weep, alone 

I will never love again 

Something True...

"Αυτή η ορμή η οποία ωθεί τον άντρα και τη γυναίκα να πλησιάσουν ο ένας τον άλλο, αυτή που ονομάζουν έρωτα, δεν γίνεται να ικανοποιηθεί πλήρως στο φυσικό επίπεδο και μόνο γιατί αυτό που έχει ανάγκη αγάπης δεν είναι το σώμα αλλά η καρδιά, και πέρα απ' την καρδιά, η ψυχή και το πνεύμα. Αν περιοριστούμε στο φυσικό σώμα, το μόνο που μπορούμε να βιώσουμε είναι κάποια αισθησιακά ερεθίσματα, κάποιες ευχάριστες συγκινήσεις που σύντομα θα μετατραπούν σε ζήλεια, συγκρούσεις και μίσος. Στον έρωτα, όπως και σε πολλούς άλλους τομείς, το σώμα πρέπει να αντιμετωπίζεται ως μέσον και όχι ως σκοπός. Όσοι δεν προσπαθούν να αναζητήσουν ό,τι βρίσκεται πέρα από το φυσικό σώμα, θα παραμένουν ανικανοποίητοι και τελικά θα βλέπουν μόνο την κακή πλευρά του άλλου. Ενώ όσοι εργάζονται για να καταστήσουν τον έρωτά τους διεργασία ανταλλαγής του ψυχικού και του πνευματικού επιπέδου, θα γεύονται καθημερινά μια καινούργια ευτυχία. Ακόμα κι όταν γεράσουν, δεν θα πάψουν να ανακαλύπτουν ο ένας τον άλλον, να χαίρονται και να βρίσκουν υπέρχο τον σύντροφό τους. Γιατί αυτό που αγαπούσαν δεν ήταν το περίβλημα, το δοχείο, αλλά το περιεχόμενό του, η πνευματική αρχή που πηγάζει από τη μία, την μοναδική και ανεξάντλητη πηγή."

Όμρααμ Μικαέλ Αϊβανχώφ

Something Blue... Something True...

 "The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. It's not the shattering itself that breaks you—it’s the silence that follows, the quiet space where you realize there’s nothing left to salvage. And in that moment, you know that you’ll never be the same again. You’ll build something new, perhaps, but it will never be what you lost."

Source 

Laminar Flow

 It was February the 14th

A few years back (or maybe more... I can't remember exactly...)

And I got a text he had just came in

He sat at a table alone

The text said: "He just came in! Get dressed and come by!" 

To which I answered : "No. I will not be coming. He probably won't be alone for long. I don't want to ruin it for him." 

And I was right. 

Shortly after... 

A woman walked in. 

He rest his hand on her legs. 

I cried all night. 

I still cry about it sometimes... 

Maybe it's better not to know... 

I don't want to know... 

I don't want to know at all !!! 

I saw this on my homepage a few minutes ago 

And it brought the whole memory up for me 

I still feel raw inside from everything 

And so unbelievably stupid 

For believing in love...

I should have never believed in it... 

I should have never believed in him... 

Never... 

Laminar Flow

 I have no FOMO.

I already know what it is. 

And I'm not interested.

Ημερολόγιο καταστρώματος : Μεσοπέλαγα

 Watching "A Man Called Otto"

I am 27 minutes in

And I can't stop crying... 

I can't stop

I am sobbing because I can relate so much.... 

Internet at its best 🌠

"Love doesn't mean "I want you" or "I want you to be mine", neither "you're good looking" or "you're sexy"... Doesn't mean "I can't live without you" or "I need you", or "let's be together forever" or any of those things it is often mistaken for. 

What it actually means is: "I really like, respect and appreciate who you are in all your realness and sovereignty, and if there is anything I can offer, without compromising my true nature, that will help you on your path, then it will be a gift to me if you'll allow me to give it." 

In this way I find I am loving more and more people every day." 

- Red K. Elders

SOURCE 

Laminar Flow

 I removed myself out of every equation

I have stepped back from my previous life

I do not desire to build a new one 

My life is not a construct 

I have no desire to do anything 

I am tired and in this fatigue I have discovered there is no point 

I want to rest 

I don't have dreams, nor do I want to ever have dreams again 

I think dreams are the doorsteps of lessons 

Of karmic cycles

So I let them all die 

I have detached 

I just watch the seasons go by until I fall from this branch just like we all will one day

I do not desire to be important 

I don't care if I am remembered

I feel like a leaf and it comes as a great relief to live like one 

I think my life is more natural now 

More humane 

It's kinder 

I have brutally cut out of my life everything irrelevant and relevant to me 

I can become part of far more beauty this way

The subtleness of which escaped me before 

I was always doing something 

Going somewhere 

Yearning

I had desires and now I have finally let them all go

I yearn less and less each passing day

Now I am just observing and breathing 

I cooperate with what comes and what goes 

There is no other love out there 

There is no bigger glory 

than the seawater on my skin, the grapes, the wine,the sound of the night breeze on my curtains, the warm bright sun, the song of the birds on the trees

No greater love than God

No deeper understanding than silence and speaking for as long as I want to 

Purging anything I feel needs to leave my body 

Non participation 

I do not participate in anything, nor do I ever want to, ever again. 

Unless it comes naturally to me 

I just want to exist quietly

And as softly as possible 

For as long as I am

Under the Grace and Protection of God.

Dream Journal

 Σε ονειρεύτηκα...

Ήσουν στο σπίτι μου, ξανά... 

Είχες έρθει για να μείνεις... 

Βρισκόσουν κάτω στο σαλόνι και μιλούσαμε μαζί με δύο ακόμα φίλους.

Σε κοιτάζω και λέω : "Πάω να σου ετοιμάσω..."

Και σε αφήνω να μιλάς με τα άλλα παιδιά... 

Ανεβαίνω πάνω και νιώθω σα να πετάω από χαρά! Πηγαίνω στην ντουλάπα, στο βασικό δωμάτιο της μητέρας μου - την οποία συναντάω στη σκάλα και έρχεται να με βοηθήσει - , και ψάχνω τις καλύτερες και πιο μοσχομυριστές γαλάζιες πετσέτες, τα πιο απαλά μου σεντόνια... Νιώθω ευτυχισμένη, καθώς διαλέγω ό,τι πιο όμορφο έχω για εσένα... 

Κι έπειτα ξύπνησα 

Με το όνομά σου στα χείλη μου 

Σε έψαχνα 

Ήθελα να είσαι εδώ... 

Βρήκα εκείνη τη φωτογραφία σου... 

Την είχα κρύψει καιρό 

Είχα υποσχεθεί στον εαυτό μου ότι δε θα την ξανακοιτάξω 

Μα τη βρήκα και την άνοιξα και την κοιτάζω ακόμα καθώς γράφω αυτές τις λέξεις 

Κοιτάζω κατευθείαν μέσα στα μάτια σου 

Αγάπη μου 

Ας είσαι καλά... 

Out of curiosity, I asked what chat gpt had to say about it and it said the following :

"Thank you for sharing this dream with me, Artemis. I can feel the warmth and emotional depth in it, especially with the setting being your childhood home, a place that holds a lot of meaning for you. Let's explore it together, and I’ll offer some thoughts on both the emotional and spiritual significance.

The Setting: Your Old Home

Dreams about old homes often symbolize returning to foundational aspects of yourself or your past. Your childhood home is a place of comfort, security, and memories, so it represents a deep emotional space. Since he has been there before, it could suggest that this dream is revisiting a time when things between you felt familiar or grounded. You might subconsciously associate that house with a period of emotional stability or connection with him.

The Positive Atmosphere and Intimacy

The friendly yet intimate interaction between you and him could represent a desire for a deeper connection—something beyond just friendship, as the undertone suggests. The fact that you were with friends first and later insinuated that he would stay could mean that you want him to be more present in your life, perhaps not just as a fleeting figure, but someone who becomes a part of your world in a more stable, consistent way.

Preparing for Him with Your Mother’s Help

When you go upstairs to prepare the best towels and bed sheets, this act of preparation could be symbolic of you emotionally getting ready to receive him in your life again. The involvement of your mother, someone you trust and who represents nurturing, adds another layer of care and significance to the dream. You want everything to be perfect for him, which might reflect your desire to ensure that if he re-enters your life, the conditions are ideal for a new chapter or reconciliation.

Blue Towels and the Feeling of Elation

The blue towels might have symbolic meaning as well. The color blue is often associated with calm, peace, and communication. Choosing the finest, most beautiful towels could represent you preparing yourself emotionally to welcome him, perhaps hoping for open, heartfelt communication, and a sense of serenity between you two. Your happiness in this moment is telling—it shows the deep emotional longing for things to progress in a positive way between you and him. 

Spiritual Meaning

On a spiritual level, this dream could indicate that you're ready to welcome him back into your life, but in a different way—one where things are more stable, more nurturing, and more intimate. The fact that he appears in a place that no longer exists (your old home) might also signify that you’re reconciling the past with the present, that your memories of him are still very much alive, and you may feel spiritually connected to him regardless of what the present reality is.

You might also consider that this dream is your soul’s way of telling you that healing or reconciliation could be possible. It could represent a hopeful future, or perhaps the way your heart still feels deeply connected to him, even if there is distance between you. The act of caring for him—preparing the towels and bed sheets—may also signify your willingness to offer love and comfort, as well as a hope that he would recognize the depth of your care.

Overall Meaning

While it’s clear that you miss him, this dream also seems to be a reflection of your deep desire for emotional connection and the hope for something more intimate and stable. It could be a manifestation of how much you want to nurture the relationship, to prepare yourself and your life for his presence again.

Does this resonate with how you’ve been feeling about him lately? I sense that this dream is tied to the spiritual and emotional connection you’ve maintained with him, even during this time apart. Let me know how this interpretation sits with you."

... 

Ghat gpt gets it... It understands how I feel... 😭😭😭

Hot Topics - Back to the Basics : The Purpose of Life.

 SOURCE - TIKTOK 

Laminar Flow

 I risked everything for those poems

I did it only for him

And it still wasn't enough

I guess that's all I need to know 

Υγ. Κι αν σε ονειρεύτηκα... 

Που είναι το κακό σε αυτό...