Laminar Flow

 I just want to say

I am not the kind of person who will step into a relationship and ruin it

I never have - as you may recall - and I never will

I am the one who always leaves... Remember?

But... At what cost... 

(I would let my own child starve? That was low btw...Yes I still remember. I will never forget. That was very hurtful and not true. Not true at all... 💔) 

I've made so much room for "them" for so long 

It's not even about them anymore 

I realized that I cannot keep giving away to others my most precious people just like that 

I can't do it anymore! It's my f life, too! 

Giving away the man of my heart? Without even a fight??? 

WHAT??? 

NEVER. 

I have no idea if it would ever work out or not and it still doesn't matter! 

It's irrelevant. Everything is destined to end one way or another. 

By choice or by death. 

But what is the story? 

What is our story? 

I was stupid. 

I thought you would not let me leave... 

I wanted you to rush in and get me!!! I thought of you every single second of every day! I have been waiting for you for SO MANY YEARS! 

I will never betray what I feel again . 

NEVER. 

Never. 

I will never sabotage my heart and the truth of it like this, ever again!

I said I loved you 

I have cried it

Bled it 

Sweated it 

And I will keep 

Shouting it from the rooftops till the day that I die 

Because it's important!!! 

It may not be important to anyone else but me 

But I am not letting it be silenced ever again 

Because it's true 

And it only has me to testify for it 

I said I love you!!!

Do you understand? 

Please notice how I will not impose it on you

I want you to know it 

To be savagely certain about it!!!! 

I will not impose it on you because, imposing it on you does not bring me pleasure

I will not run after you, either

I may die by drowning in my own tears 

But if it is meant to be 

You are the one who will have to take those steps towards me or further away from me

I am only standing here, in my truth 

You can come closer or leave 

You can do as you please 

Because that is the only thing that could ever please me... 

I cannot be pleased by lies, by pressured movements

And I can tell the truth by how it feels 

I don't expect anything from anyone 

I want you to be happy!!! 

You may not believe me, but take a second to notice how, even though my presence is strong, I am nowhere to be found. 

It is not accidental. I assure you that there is nothing more I'd rather do than wear my shoes right now and run to you. I would do it right now. 

But I will not. 

I respect you more than that. 

I respect you and your chosen happiness is very important to me. 

It hurts me but it also pleases me. 

But I 'll be damned if I let my curtesy, my fear or anything else stand in the way of me expressing 

How ruthlessly 

Innocently 

Passionately 

Wholy 

Unfathomably 

Hopelessly 

Consistently 

I really do love you 

And how it will be so for as long as I am 

Because I won't be able to survive if I don't 

It is impossible to keep quiet about it 

I've been quiet for too long 

And I blame myself for it 

It almost killed me 

I was trying to protect everyone my whole life 

It's time to protect my truth now

Do with it as you please 

I love you means 

You will probably tear me apart, anyway at some point

I am vulnerable like that only for you 

It's how everything beautiful always works on this freaking planet

So, me letting you know 

How much I love you 

Is placing a pen in your hand 

And asking you 

To write our story 

Or to wear shoes and come here so that we can write it together... 

You will have to be the one to do that 

We are in chapter 17 right now 

Tell me, what was our story... 

Is this where it all ends? 

Because if it's not 

Could you - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD !!! - come here and take me into your arms so that I can finally fall asleep with a peaceful heart for the first time in 17 years? 

I'd love that if you are Him... 

Are you Him...? 

Is it You, after all, Sir...? 

Is it? 

Was I right... 

Make that pen a sword and cut through the bs

You are the one to kill me, anyway 

So do it 

Do it

Tell me anything you like 

I am always here to listen 

I only have one request :

If you propose to speak, always say the truth and be direct about it. 

That's all. 

Ps. The tension I feel for you is electrifying 

Can you feel it through these words... 

You run through me like current 

The hairs on my skin are standing up 

I am sincere in my passion and despair 

I am yours 

I exist now just like you 

You exist

I don't think I can ever survive you... 

Either way you are and will forever be one of the most important people in my whole life...

I love you...